


keeping secrets from my heart

by florenceandthemachine



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), Secret Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29146833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florenceandthemachine/pseuds/florenceandthemachine
Summary: Evan Buckley had a problem.A very, very, big problem.It was something that he had been dealing with for the better part of two years, something that he had tried to ignore, something that had tried his absolute best to come to terms with.The problem was that Buck was in love with Eddie.Well, okay, no—him being in love wasn’t the problem. The problem was that Buck was not a subtle person.He had heart eyes for Eddie, and literally everyone knew about it… everyone except the man in question.The problem was that everytime Buck tried to open his mouth to confess his feelings, he absolutely, completely, 200% choked.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 424





	keeping secrets from my heart

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this post](https://ankabaiam.tumblr.com/post/641567237365465088/okay-in-the-light-of-new-events-can-i-get-buck) by ankabaian on Tumblr:  
>  _Okay, in the light of new events, can I get Buck nervously confessing to Eddie that he likes him?_  
>  _And Eddie just looking at him and softly saying “I know, I’ve been waiting for you to catch up.”_

Evan Buckley had a problem.

A very, very, big problem.

It was something that he had been dealing with for the better part of two years, something that he had tried to ignore, something that had tried his absolute best to come to terms with.

The problem was that Buck was in love with Eddie.

Well, okay, no—him being in love wasn’t the problem. The problem was that Buck was not a subtle person. He had long since come to terms with his feelings for his coworker, for his partner on nearly every call they were out on; apparently, it was bad enough that whenever he looked at Eddie, he had what Hen called his ‘heart eyes’.

Oh, that was another part of it all. He had heart eyes for Eddie, and literally everyone knew about it… everyone except the man in question.

Chim thought it was hilarious, and Buck couldn’t even fault him for that—Buck knew how pathetic he must have looked, sighing every time Eddie walked past him between the gym and the locker room.

Hen, at least, took a more sympathetic approach—she had wrapped an arm around his shoulder after Buck had knocked over several beers during one fateful karaoke night the moment Eddie had got up to sing.

Even Chris was in on it all, or at least, as much as a kid could be; Buck could only be thankful that Eddie was out of the room when Chris asked if Buck “was his new dad yet”.

But even all of that—the teasing, the knowing looks, the snickers—all of that wasn’t the problem. No, the problem was that Buck had _tried_ , for months, to alleviate that. He had tried to tell Eddie how he felt, honest.

The problem was that everytime Buck tried to open his mouth to confess his feelings, he absolutely, completely, 200% choked.

* * *

Buck had, admittedly, a bad habit of getting tongue tied when he was talking about his feelings in anything even remotely close to a healthy way. Shocking, right? 

His entire relationship with Abby was built on trauma—not his own for the most part, but talking to her after every call and jumping into a relationship after his first loss on the job was a bad, bad idea.

Ali, shit, he hadn't been able to tell her how much he cared about her until the ladder truck bomb, the same event that led to her realizing she wanted to leave him.

Taylor Kelly, well. It took an accidental LSD dosing for him to realize how toxic she was. So.

Emotions, 2,856. Buck, 0.

But with Eddie, everything was different. With Eddie, everything made sense.

Buck had already had his big bisexual crisis (thank you, six months in the Navy SEAL bunks) so there was none of that standing in his way. He knew he liked dudes, he knew he liked Eddie, the problem was just… whenever he opened his mouth, his tongue did the same little flip flop that his heart did and he wound up with absolute nonsense falling off of his tongue.

Today, though. Today was the day. It was definitely the day. Buck felt _good_ about today, damn it. 

He left for work a little early so he could hype himself up in his Jeep, sitting with the extra coffee he had bought for Eddie in his hand. He and Eddie already had plans after work—Chris was coming home from camp, and Buck couldn’t wait to surprise his favorite Diaz boys with dinner—and it just felt right.

After all, Buck was well aware that the ideal first date in Eddie’s book (and his own, if he was honest) was dinner with Christopher.

“Morning Bu—ooh, is that coffee?”

Speaking of the object of his desire.

“Of course it is, like I would drink this literal tar,” Buck grinned as he was pulled out of his own head the moment he walked into the firehouse, handing Eddie one of the to-go cups (coffee, black, sugar) before he took a sip of his own iced concoction (something spiced and seasonal and sure to absolutely rot his teeth). “We still on for dinner?”

Eddie’s smile warmed into something easier as he took a swig of his own coffee and nodded his head, nodding as he swallowed. “You kidding? Chris is going to lose his mind when he sees you, you’re all he talks about. Every call has been about Buck,” he said, his face a pout as he pulled out his phone, staring at the photo of Chris on his wallpaper. “I could show up bald and he wouldn’t even notice, as long as we were talking about you.”

Buck threw his head back as he laughed, feeling a familiar warmth pool in his chest as he shook his head. He mimed wiping a tear from his eye as Eddie playfully punched his shoulder, his laughter dying into giggles quickly.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I’d still notice.” 

“Well, someone better,” Eddie grumbled, but there was still a curl to the corner of his lip.

Not that Buck was staring at his lips.

“Hey, Eddie, actually, I was hoping to talk to you about something.”

Eddie looked up from his phone as he tilted his head, locking the device as he took another sip—thankfully ignorant to the fact that somewhere behind him, Hen literally dropped the supplies that she was loading into the ambulance and laser-focused in on them. “Yeah, what’s up?”

This was it.

Okay.

He could do this.

_Eddie, you’re the world to me._

The moment he opened his mouth, though, Eddie’s phone came to life in his hand, Chris’ picture lighting up on the screen. “Oh, Buck, it’s Chris! C’mere, say hi.”

Buck almost choked on his coffee as Eddie pulled him closer, his partner now a solid line of heat and muscle, doing his best to school his features into a smile as Chris’ face filled the screen.

“Buck!”

“And dad!” Eddie said, his voice an over-exaggerated whine, but Buck could still hear the smile on his voice.

“Christopher! Hey, buddy! We miss you!”

Buck felt his smile ease onto his face as Chris excitedly went over their plans for the day, from the friends he had made at camp to what he had made for breakfast to the pictures he had drawn for Carla.

Before Buck knew it, they were nearly a half hour into the call when the siren went off throughout the station, and they bid Chris a quick goodbye as they ran to the truck—only then did Buck realize how quickly his morning plan had gotten off track.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the right time for Buck’s little confession, but… Buck wouldn’t trade a call like that for the world.

* * *

“Hey, Buck, we need the Jaws over here.”

“On it.”

Buck smiled at Hen as he backed away from their car, a simple side swiped accident an easy first call of the day. Hen and Chim had pulled the driver out and strapped him onto the backboard—a precaution only, thankfully—and Buck easily swung past the truck on his way back to Eddie. 

The woman behind the wheel in the second car was fine, thankfully--pissed off, sure, but no apparent injuries other than a few scrapes from shattered glass. The door had warped from the impact, though, and her tiny Miata was pinned between a light pole and a crumpled door. 

Eddie flipped down the safety visor on his helmet as he fired up the Jaws, and Buck followed suit, leaning toward Eddie to hear him over the din of the hydraulic pump. They would have to cut it in a few places to get everything free and clear, and Buck felt the cogs in his head turn as he reached forward to brace a piece from falling.

“Hey, actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

This could work. They’d be here for a hot minute, and it wasn’t like Hen or Chim would be interrupting any time soon. 

Eddie looked up at him, his curious expression quickly giving way to realization, and then an immediate frown.

“Oh, shit—that’s right, I forgot we got cut off by Chris’ call earlier. I’m sorry Buck, I should have asked after—“

“Eds, please, don’t apologize. If you weren’t the one holding the phone, I would have stolen it away and kept Chris for myself all morning,” Buck said, immediately waving aside any guilt Eddie might have felt for putting his son first. 

That, after all, was just another thing that Buck loved about Eddie—his dedication to his son.

“So, what’s up, Buck? What did you want to talk about?”

Okay. This was good. They were in a nice, neutral spot, they were both hard at work, and it was a good call—it was always easier to talk about things on a good call. Buck could only hope that the good mood would continue on.

He really hoped that it would continue on. 

It would be easy enough to get the ball rolling, all he had to do was take that first step.

_Eddie, I want to spend my life with you._

He felt his stomach roll as he made eye contact with the woman in the car, looking severely bored with the entirety of the conversation, and just like that, his heart sunk, feeling flushed with shame and an odd sense of guilt as he tried to save the situation.

“I, uh, I was gonna surprise Chris with this but wanted to check it with you. I booked us a set of tickets to the Aquarium this Sunday, since we’re both off, if you wanted?”

It wasn’t technically a lie—Buck had bought the tickets a while ago, but it wasn’t exactly going to be a surprise. Chris had been dying to go for ages, since before the tsunami, and Buck was honestly so proud that being caught in a riptide didn’t soil Chris’ love for the sea.

Eddie’s face went soft, eyes bright as he beamed, nodding his head as he finally ripped the door off of the frame. “Buck, that—of course we want, he would love that. You didn’t actually think that Buckley would get a day off without the Diazes, did you?” 

Buck flushed, glad for the heat of the day to blame it on, reaching down to help the woman out of the car as she sighed.

“If you’re both done, can I please just go already?”

* * *

“Hey, Buck, you got some time to spar?”

“Oh, uh, sure!”

Buck felt his heart kick into overdrive as he pulled Eddie aside, running a hand through his hair as he took a deep breath. He had managed to snag a moment between calls, when Eddie was heading from the locker room to the gym and Buck had finished up his daily duties.

Calm moments were few and far between in the firehouse, and Buck needed to take advantage of it.

“Hey, actually, you got a second? I… kind of have something I want to tell you.”

Today… today could still be the day, right? 

He had started the day out so strong, after all, and even if his courage had ebbed as the day went along, he still had a bit of fire in him, coming from months and months of desperation—err, determination.

Buck had literally planned this out forever, and here he was, stalling for time as Eddie pulled a towel around his neck. He had thought of a hundred different ways to say it, and had planned out every call and response Eddie could give, too… because even if Hen and Chim were oh-so-sure that Buck wouldn’t wind up burned, he didn’t exactly have the best string of luck behind him (in love, or otherwise).

If Eddie didn’t feel the same, fine, okay, Buck could handle that. Better to know than not, but he wouldn’t know if he didn’t fucking open his mouth.

_Eddie, I’m in love with you._

It sounded so simple in his head.

He took another breath to steady himself, and—

“Bobby’s making enchiladas for us to take home for Chris.” 

—and blurted that out instead. He felt his face flush bright red as Eddie blinked, and the added soundtrack that was Chim’s laughter from the locker room certainly wasn’t helping his embarrassment.

Eddie, to his credit, was either so used to Buck’s outbursts or so invested in the idea of enchiladas for dinner that he only lifted a brow and smiled, nodding his head as he reached out to squeeze Buck’s arm. “...okay! Well, now I have three things to look forward to. Enchiladas for dinner, dinner with Chris and you, and getting to kick your ass in the ring.” 

Buck put a pained smile on his face as Eddie slipped past him to get to the gym, his entire body deflating with each step he took to get to the locker room. He let out a groan as he smacked his head against the cool metal of his locker, looking up as he heard Chim close his own locker up.

“Not a word, Chim.”

“Not a chance, Buck.” 

Well, okay, not that Buck thought he was going to get a moment of peace anyway.

“You don’t actually think that—”

“That’s just it, Chim, I don’t know what to think!” Buck was speaking again before he could stop himself, throwing his arms up in the air as he wheeled away from the door, the look on Chim’s face as unimpressed as he thought it would be. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or what’s happening every time I open my mouth.”

Chim snapped his lock closed as Buck finally sat down, head in his hands. “I just… I want him to be happy, and I love being the one who makes him happy, and he makes _me_ so happy. Chim, it’s like… he’s just… he’s everything to me. And I can’t even fucking tell him how important he is.”

“You really do love him, huh?”

Buck sighed as he looked over to Chim, expecting teasing or judgement, but Chim’s face was more understanding than anything. Buck put his face in his hands as he groaned, unfortunately missing the way Chim’s eyes flicked over his shoulder.

“Buck—“

“You don’t need to tell me how pathetic it is, Chim.”

“Buck, Eddie’s—“

“Why can’t I just tell Eddie that I love him?”

“Jesus, Buck, it’s about time.”

Buck felt his entire body tense up as another voice joined the fray, Chim’s previous attempts at grabbing Buck’s attention now long forgotten as he excused himself. Buck watched him leave, his jaw dropped as he finally focused on Eddie, the smirk on his face telling Buck just how much he had overheard.

“Eddie, you… you’re… you’re not… I mean…”

Buck’s confidence, so strong with his morning coffee, had been worn away throughout the day, to the point where he was honestly trying to come up with an out, with a way to explain what he had said without risking everything, but even he knew it was pointless. He finally sighed as he collected his thoughts, head hanging.

“You’re not mad?”

Eddie’s smirk immediately melted into something softer as he closed the distance between them, shaking his head as he reached out, squeezing Buck’s shoulder in a way that was both familiar and so, so promising. “Buck, I… I’ve been waiting for you to catch up for, like, forever. It’s about time you got on my level,” he finished, moving his hand from Buck’s shoulder to push a stray strand of his hair back.

Buck felt that tiny little warm thing in his chest burst into flame, a blush and a grin spreading over his face as he looked down at his feet. 

“So, the fact that it took me the greater portion of like a year to actually tell you that I loved you…”

His question was cut off as Eddie tilted his chin up, immediately tilting his head as Eddie leaned in, pressing their lips together, and fuck, if that wasn’t answer enough, Buck didn’t know what was. 

The moment Eddie’s lips met his, Buck felt something still inside of him, a sort of nervous energy that he hadn’t realized had been building up for the past few years settling as Eddie put his arms around him. Buck couldn’t help himself—he had to lean in, to deepen the kiss, feeling Eddie’s breath come out of his nose in a small sigh as Buck’s tongue flicked along his lip.

Buck sucked in a breath as the kiss broke, a shiver running along his spine as their noses brushed, a rush of a laugh leaving his body as he exhaled. His eyes fluttered closed again as Eddie let their foreheads rest against one another, smile stretched wide across his face. 

“Eddie, I’ve been waiting to do that for… forever.”

“Well,” Eddie started, cutting himself off as he pressed another kiss to Buck’s lips. “Sounds like we have some time to make up for, yeah?”

Yeah, Buck thought, they did. And he’d be floating on air the entire time.

* * *

That good, floaty feeling, however, was quickly quashed as Buck lay flat on his back on the padded floor of the makeshift ‘ring’ the 118 had set up near the washbay, his entire body screaming in protest as he tried to catch his breath. 

“Eddie, that’s not fair, you’re—no, stop laughing, Hen, why are you recording this?!—you’re supposed to go easy on your brand-new boyfriend.”

Eddie, the fucker, was just laughing as he bent over Buck’s form, not even pretending to be apologetic as he shook his head. “Buck, sweetheart, if anything, now I’m going to stop holding back. Now get up, drama queen.”

The insult was there, sure, but all Buck could focus on was _sweetheart_ , the term of endearment ringing in his ears as he absolutely beamed. “Whatever, you love it.”

Eddie’s smile softened as he nodded his head, leaning down to press another kiss to Buck’s lips as he helped him back up.

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [come scream at me on tumblr.](https://florenceandthemachine.tumblr.com)


End file.
